Don't read this blog for a pick me up. Or do, because it might make you realize you are holding it together better than I am. Just a little disclaimer before you get started: I love my job. I love my school district. I love my family. I feel lucky that I GET to teach online. I am grateful.
I am also officially exhausted. I thought this time away from school would be sad, but easier. I imagined all the things I might suddenly have time to do. I planned to learn Spanish, to read a dozen books for fun, to be super present for my kids. I wanted to be at school but, I thought, as long as I am home I will make the most of it. My spring semesters are always crazy busy and this might be just what the doctor ordered (ok, it is exactly what a doctor ordered but I am speaking metaphorically).
For the first couple of weeks that is exactly what happened. I was getting lots of exercise. I was enthusiastic about trying out new recipes. My college freshman daughter, dealing with her own pandemic grief, smiled broadly one day and announced, "Quarantine mom is even better than summer mom," as she tasted a piece of freshly baked pie.
Fast forward a couple of weeks. OH MY GOSH! I do not remember the last time I was this tired. Teaching my concurrent enrollment classes online takes a lot of my time - and I mean A LOT. The feedback on assignments has to come fast because kids who are working without a teacher nearby depend on written feedback to be able to move on to the next step. Fast feedback is hard. Turns out it wasn't just taking me a long time because I was so busy before; it just actually takes a long time. How did I EVER get this done while teaching face to face all day?
Zoom meetings are hard - well the Zoom meetings with kids aren't, but the Zoom PLCs and the Zoom staff check-ins, and the Zoom everything else are actually harder somehow. Everyone is well intentioned, but most teachers seem a little out of practice in their small talk skills and their collaboration skills. Most teachers seem to be struggling a little to be sociable with kids and cats climbing onto their laps. I resort to mocking comments about the beards the men are all growing, hoping it distracts their attention from my own gray roots and forest-like unibrow. Sorry, but that stuff is hard.
And then this week, we unfurled our plans for optional learning opportunities for our students. They should be high quality, meaningful, prepare kids, meet standards, hit essential learning targets, give kids what they need for the right now, and for the future. They should also be non-threatening, loaded with opportunities to extend grace, respectful of the reality that not every child has equal opportunities, that some high school kids ARE the essential workers everyone is praising and some are caring for children so others can be the essential workers everyone is praising. Oh, and the learning opportunities should be so engaging kids will choose to do them - even though they are optional - even though they are not graded - even though they will receive credit for the class anyway. Ok, no problem. I actually believe in all those things. I believe this is important. I will do it. AND I will collaborate with my whole team and an assortment of teaching partners as I do it. From home. While monitoring five sections of concurrent enrollment learning. NO PROBLEM!
If I am being honest, I will say I love challenges. Creating that learning was an exciting challenge. Providing feedback to kids that is so strong they can move on without me standing next to them cheering them on, is an exciting challenge. But holy smokes, this whole thing is full of challenges. It's like we kept all the less fun parts of the job (meetings, grading, written feedback) and lost all the best parts of the job - seeing our kids face to face, listening to them laugh, seeing the spark in their eyes when they uncover an amazing idea, coaching them, directing them, looking forward to exciting school events with them. We lost all the things that give us energy and kept all the things that sap it from us.
Add to that the reality that I now perform an endless number of mom duties during my workday, and it is a recipe for exhaustion.
Here is the deal: I get it. I am sitting in a place of tremendous privilege. I can work from home and get paid. My husband and I are not worried about our jobs and we are not worried about our kids. We are isolating well so we are not even that worried about our health. Others are out there doing things that are genuinely exhausting, and I am grateful to every essential worker out there. Others are isolating in circumstances that are not as safe and comfortable as my home, and my heart goes out to them. But the novelty of this is wearing off. I am tired. I am worn down. I am sad. Having to cook yet another meal while here at work makes me want to set my own kitchen on fire, but I do not have time to set my kitchen on fire because I have six students who can't remember their college library logins, my husband needs help finding the V-8, and I have a lengthy worksheet to complete because I am on evaluation cycle and we are doing that meeting via Zoom this week.
And I am not going to learn Spanish during quarantine.
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